Not Broken, Just Bent
by Celechicken
Summary: Celestine Winchester's family is a little crazy. But she likes her life, and she's not broken at all-just a little bent. (Based on the Twitter account @CelesWinchester, her love interest chicken nuggets ((known as Chris in this story)), will be featuring random Twitter accounts from her Twitter family. Tweet #NBJB if you want me to see your suggestions, questions, or comments!)


Celestine kissed Chris lightly on the forehead. "Hey, darlin'. Get up."

Chris reached up and pulled Celestine down for a deeper kiss. "Can't it still be the weekend?"

Celestine smirked and ruffled Chris's hair. "As much as I wish to wake you up with a blow job instead of a kiss, it's five AM and you're about to be late for work, buttercup."

Chris sat bolt upright. "_No." _he said, eyes wide with panic. He leapt out of bed. Celestine smirked again and leaned back against the pillows.

"It's my day off!" she teased.

"Fuck you too, Celes!" he shouted from the shower.

"If you're offering, babycakes," Celestine said back flirtatiously.

"Don't say things like that when I'm trying to get ready!" he yelled back, annoyed.

"There's two options—switch the water to cold or let me join you."

She heard the shower door swing open and grinned. She shucked off her clothes and went to go suck off her boyfriend in the shower.

Chris stumbled out of the shower five minutes later with wobbly legs. "Have a nice time at work, sweetie!" Celestine said cheerily, shampooing her long blonde hair.

He groaned. "You're such a _tease._"

"You love it!" she said smugly.

"When I get home, be aware I'm screwing you into the floor." he shouted.

She blushed, equally alarmed and aroused by his candor. "I-I hope you can carry through!" she stuttered.

"Oh, I intend to," he said, poking his head back into the bathroom, now dressed in a suit. "Have fun on your day off!"

"Fuck you!" she said cheerfully. She hopped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her body and leaned in for a kiss.

"Well, if you're offering—" Chris said, pressing his lips against the shell of her ear and putting a hand on her curvy hip. He kissed her lustily and pulled off when she went in for more.

"God, I love you. Now get to work and hurry back," she sighed, shimmying her hips. He sighed at the sight and reluctantly leaned further away.

"After work—I promise," he kissed her again, and then pulled off, running for the door. "I love you, Celly!"

"Don't call me Celly," she sanpped.

"I adore you, my love." Chris yelled from outside, running to the car.

"Idjit!" she screamed fondly after him.

"But you love me!" he howled over the engine as he drove off. Celestine rolled her eyes and flopped back into bed.

Three hours later, she'd finished the dishes, hung up her rumpled clothes from the night before, and popped an apple pie in the oven. She sat down on the couch, flicked on Netflix, and selected a random romantic comedy. She wasn't ashamed in the slightest that this was how she was going to spend her day off. "It's my fucking alone time," Celestine said to the cat, who was sitting on the table staring at her. "Can't I do what I want? Can't I sleep? Can't I just _**be?**_"

The cat meowed and went to sit at her feet. "Thanks for your fucking acceptance, you little shit," Celestine groaned. She closed her eyes and let sleep consume her with the scent of cinnamon and apple wafting through her nose.

Celestine woke up to the sound of a timer shrilling and the doorbell ringing. "_Fuck._" she hissed under her breath, leaping up off of the couch. "Coming!" she said loudly, running for the door first. She swung it open and ran to the kitchen. "Be right with you!"

"I'll make myself comfortable," a familiar but despised voice said suavely.

"_Fuck._" Celestine groaned, yanking the pie out of the oven. "I'll be right out!" she propped open the window to the garden and slid the pie onto the sill. She shucked off the oven mitts and ran into the living room. "Jake!" she said saccharinely.

"You're always so happy to see me," the Hand replied with a smirk.

"Want some pie? I just made it," Celestine said sweetly, mentally trying to figure out how long she was going to have to talk to him.

"Cut the shit, bitch."

"Ayy motherfucker, don't fucking come into my house and talk this kind of shit to me," she said, walking into the kitchen, hips swaying.

Jake watched her go hungrily and followed her into the kitchen. "Have some pie, fucker," she slammed a plate down on the counter and stabbed a fork into the slice.

"Thanks, bitch."

"Welcome, dickbag." Celestine said. She cut herself a slice and wrapped her pink lips around the fork. "So what d'you need?"

"Wanted to talk to Chris." he said, watching her swallow the pie and thinking how she was far too sexy for her own good. "But you'll do just fine."

"Oh God," she sighed, picking at the crust of her pie. "Cut to the chase, please."

"I want to have sex with you," he said simply, taking a bite of his slice calmly.

Celestine choked and spit pie across the table. "_What?_" she spluttered, running for the sink. She chugged water straight from the faucet.

"I want to have sex with you,"

"Doesn't everyone?" she managed to say.

"Yes, but I'd like to be the first,"

Celestine grimaced. The Hand leaned across the table and kissed her scrunched-up lips desperately. Celestine flinched back. "Let go of me, dickhead!"

"C'mon," Jake said against her mouth, kissing her harder. "I really like you,"

"What about your _husband?_"

"He won't mind,"

"Mine will, assbutt," Celestine said furiously.

"We could just have sex and be done with it," he said, gently spreading her legs.

"Oh God," she whined. "Please don't. Please _don't."_

He kissed her harder. "I SAID FUCKING _DON'T." _Celestine smashed the pie over his head and shoved him up against the wall, twisting his shirt. "Get the fuck off me, you lecherous walnut. Fucking hell, dude. How are you even married? You're the biggest piece of shit I've ever encountered."

"Feisty little bitch. You take it too far, y'know," he said, running a hand across her cheek.

"Stop," Celestine whispered cheerfully, and she pushed him out the window. "I'm calling the police in about ten seconds!"

"I'll be back!" he hissed, before getting up and running to his car.

"No you fucking won't!" she sang, tempted to run after him with a knife. Instead she picked up the phone and called Chris. "My sweet darling, I swear to God if you don't come home right now I'm moving to Mexico and changing my name to Alyssa."

"What the fuck is wrong, Celes?"

"Jake just came over and confessed his latent sexual feelings for me," she said. She went to the bedroom and locked the door before going into the bathroom and locking that door too. "He also wanted to have sex."

"Are you fucking joking, Celly? Oh my God, I'm on my way home right now."

Celestine sat down on the sink and closed her eyes. "Take your time, boo. Maybe pick up some groceries—ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WE LIVE FIFTEEN MINUTES AWAY FROM YOUR OFFICE CAN YOU DRIVE A LITTLE FASTER?"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Chris soothed as he sped along the backroads. "Can I ask you a question?"

"_What?_" Celestine sighed.

"What made you choose Alyssa? 'Cause that's a cute name, I'll admit, but not like 'Oh wow that's a great name!'"

Celestine choked out a laugh. "Have I ever mentioned I hate you?"

"I hate you so much more, baby. Now can you hang on till I get there? Are you going to be okay?"

"Fucking no I'm not. But be safe, don't crash or anything."

"I think I should murder Jake,"

"You're too cute to go to jail,"

"You're too cute to be a widow,"

"It's settled, no death. But maybe we'll talk to Baby."

"Yeah,"

Celestine listened to Chris's increasingly annoyed breathing and sighed. "Can you calm down, sweetheart?

"Don't call me sweetheart, darling,"

"Don't call me darling, love," she cooed.

"Don't call me love, boo," he said adoringly.

"Don't call me boo, sugar,"

"Fucking hell, Celestine. How are you so calm?"

"Two ways—1) I'm waiting for you to get back because I'm really horny and have plans to screw you even though someone just tried to have sex with me. 2) I couldn't give less of a fuck about anything."

Chris was silent on the other line for a bit. "I'm right around the corner,"


End file.
